| The Ten Geekiest Hobbies |
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| Tuesday, June 7th, 2005 @ 10:00am |
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mood:  amused
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The ten geekiest hobbies
By Seanbaby
You can tell a lot about a person from the hobbies they choose, especially if it requires them to be tied to a bathtub full of hot dogs with a panel of judges and a proctologist with a tape measure watching. But enough about coin collecting. We've contacted renowned experts on geeks, as well as many actual geeks, to compile this list of the dorkiest things you can do with your time. Each activity will be ranked on both how badly it humiliates the participant and how negatively it affects his or her sex life. These are not rough estimates. These are scientific facts based on the research done by captive supergeniuses working in controlled conditions with test mice and test mice dressed like tiny wizards.
10. Comic Books
Public Humiliation: 49.5%
Our studies show that comic book geeks are normally solitary, but engage in very noisy arguments when gathered in numbers. These are usually based on the most recent superhero movie, and how much it sucked. This sucking is always measured in direct relation to the number of continuity problems between it and an issue of The Incredible Hulk, which to be honest, had some problems of its own like the Abrams tank with the completely wrong size smoothbore turret and the Hulk's hair just all of a sudden being parted the other way! Safety Tip: If your comic book geek isn't loudly complaining about something, check carefully - you might have blacked out and killed it.
Damage to Sex Life: 68.7%
When you're finished showing someone your chart of all the ways Magneto's hat in X-Men 2 was incorrect, it's going to be a long, uphill battle to then have sex with them. And to make matters worse, the faulty shape of the dong port in the movie's version of Magneto's hat will make having sex with it even harder.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Comic book geeks wear a uniform of a faded Green Lantern t-shirt and a confrontationally unkempt appearance.
9. Role Playing Games
Public Humiliation: 63.4%
Dungeons and Dragons combines the nerdiness of a fantasy setting with the fruitiness of improvisational theatre, and as if that weren't enough for them to deal with, the rest of us think these people are going to go crazy and kill us. It's really hard for society to do more to tell you that if you play this game, you're on your own.
Damage to Sex Life: 78.0%
We weren't exactly sure on this figure, since a 78% means that there's still a 22% chance of a woman walking by role players and one of them saying, "A minotaur? Here in the Dungeon of Kajmar!? Very well, I swing my axe of axing at th- why hello there, pretty lady. My name's Twinkleberry, The Spritish Pegasus. Why, as a matter of fact I AM single."
Distinguishing Characteristics: An RPGeek either wears a black heavy metal shirt or, in tragic attempts at stylishness, a button-up shirt with a wrap-around dragon and flames.
8. Scrapbooking
Public Humiliation: 86.2%
Most people tend to avoid scrapbookers in an effort to prevent their photo from being pasted between a floral border along with a word bubble shouting, "Are we having fun yet!" Scrapbookers have an insatiable hunger to date and catalogue precious moments, and many fear that these keepsakes are being collected to one day be used in an evil plan to flood the world with vomit.
Damage to Sex Life: N/A
People who make scrapbooks do not have sex organs like you and me. As required by the Code of the Scrapbookers, after the completion of their first book of cherished memories, surgeons replace their genitalia with paste dispensers.
Distinguishing Characteristics: You'll know these people because they're always leading a small parade of their offspring in karate, ballet, scout or soccer uniforms. And according to shocking facts learned from these people's sweatshirts, their children THINK THEY'RE AN ATM!
7. Star Wars
Public Humiliation: 82.1%
Before the lame-ass new Star Wars movies, we might have let it go if we saw a Lando Calrissian or an Ewok waiting in line for a movie. Not anymore. Anyone disguised as a Jedi in this day and age had better have been helped into that costume by a caregiver assigned by the state to assist their special needs. Related Trivia Fact: Admiral Ackbar is the guy with the fish head from Return of the Jedi that screams things like, "Shorshenblorg borshchortle!"
Damage to Sex Life: 54.6%
Dressing like Darth Vader creates a number of sexual obstacles. First you have to find someone who doesn't mind dating the dark lord of geeks, and from this point on the sentence is moot since you won't, and then they have to safely be able to dig their way through your codpiece of cybernetic space enhancements. Impossible. Plus, the speech that Darth Vader gave to Natalie Portman in Episode II (about how she was so great because she wasn't like sand) is going to hang over the heads of evil single Jedi for generations. On the other hand, the strict moral code of the good Jedi prevents them from touching naked women with anything other than a light saber. And that, of course, would kill them. On the third hand, I have this theory I've been meaning to test that jumping into a room naked and screaming like Chewbacca would be super erotic. Keep in mind, however, that my last theory, "Wouldn't it be sweet if these were like, FLYING condoms?" went largely ignored by the sex community.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Overweight, casually strolling into the center of the room, and then when you least expect it, bursting into a blinding Jedi combat storm with a golf ball retriever.
6. Vampirism
Public Humiliation: 90.0%
When enjoying Tim Burton movies and the Cure aren't enough to express your artistic depression, you turn to vampirism. This type of geek gathers with its kind to simulate vampiric society through a game of milling around and giving each other spooky threats in untraceable fake accents. Beginner's Tip: The costumes and makeup required for this hobby are elaborate, so if you don't have time every morning for a Dracula makeover, you can send the same message by just wearing a sign reading, "I hate my parents and my classmates beat me." To make this slightly more vampiric you may want to add the word "Blah!" at the beginning and end of the sentence.
Damage to Sex Life: 14.9%
One danger of vampiric sex is that many singles within in these communities are actually undercover vampire hunters waiting to jam a stake into you while you're struggling to untie your corset. Aside from that hazard, though, it's all good news: The dark creatures breed some pretty sexy people jammed into some skimpy leathery outfits. If you don't mind making out with someone who, like you, tastes like stage blood and cigarettes, you can lead an exciting sex life of the night.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Vampires are difficult to spot. Keep an eye out for the group of restless magician corpses with simulated human remains dripping from their mouths. One way I've found to make sure they're real vampires is to scream, "Skeletor!" and see if they cheer in agreement.
5. Collectible Card Games
Public Humiliation: 96.8%
Some experts claim that living a moment of completely pure humiliation is impossible, since that can only be achieved through some kind of lethal masturbation accident. But those experts have never seen the shame on a grown man's face who's just been caught by someone he knows playing Pokemon cards with a 10-year-old stranger in a hobby store.
Damage to Sex Life: 89.3%
All the carefully constructed card decks and assault strategies become useless once these geeks discover that a woman's vagina contains no defending dragon harpies. Ha ha, that's one of those double ironic jokes, because anyone who took high school biology knows that they actually DO.
Distinguishing Characteristics: This geek is always carrying a backpack, at least one more type of case for emergency miniature statues, and a thick layer of atrophied blubber to drip feed them nutrients.
4. Everquest
Public Humiliation: 70.1%
Since this game is played over the computer, most people would never know you played it unless you told them. However, if you've ever known anyone that's played Everquest, you know that the part of their brain that allows them to keep the details of their quest for level 8 Vorpal chaps to themselves has long since been destroyed.
Damage to Sex Life: 99.8%
While other geek hobbies act as intercourse repellent, this game is so addicting to its users that it will actually destroy any sex life they might have, through some kind of groin miracle. And with all the male players pretending to be girls to get magical gifts, no one's inter-gender social skills are going to be finely tuned when or if they ever pull themselves away from imaginary adventuring.
Distinguishing Characteristics: If someone looks like they and their gut have spent the last three days together in the same clothes, and they're secreting Mountain Dew out of their pores, that's a good sign of Everquest. The other is the wistful look in their eyes that yearn to gaze upon lizard warriors killing hobbits.
3. Star Trek
Public Humiliation: 86.2%
These geeks used to be called Trekkies, but now insist on the less derogatory term Trekkers, which is the image control equivalent of adding a koala bear to the Nazi flag. They tend to be unobtrusive, but for every hundred Trekkers polite enough to obsess in their own homes, there's some bastard singing at the karaoke bar in Klingon and a computer repairman demanding that his coworkers address him by his Starfleet rank. Before you laugh, though, there's almost assuredly a third one building something that can vaporize your non-Star Trek ass from orbit.
Damage to Sex Life: 93.4%
While it's true that ladies crave fat men with pointy ears and a strong armpit odor, those green aliens that Kirk used to bone created a standard of beauty for Trekkies that no Earth woman can live up to.
Distinguishing Characteristics: If someone approaching you is more machine than man and threatening to assimilate you, it's either a Star Trek enthusiast or an android lost in time. Either way, it's your duty as a human to smash it.
2. Furries/Plushies
Public Humiliation: 99.95%
Furries are people who dress like animals to have sex with each other, usually without regard for gender of their mate or the species of their costume. If that's tough to wrap your head around, picture McGruff the Crime Dog coming to your school and humping your mascot's leg. Plushies have a similar hobby, but instead of having sex with nerds dressed as animals, they consummate their relationships with their stuffed animals. I'm sure you've heard of these people; they're the main reason the Care Bears declared war against us.
Damage to Sex Life: -9.2%
For a plushie out on the prowl, the good news is that barnyard puppets just can't say no. And as for the furries, they don't seem to be picky about who they mount. Maybe because they're ecstatic to find other people with the same debilitating social handicap as themselves, but most likely because everyone looks hot as a six-foot chicken. I mean, who's with me, how do you not [Censor's note: you really didn't want to read this part we cut] all the way into its chicken hole!?
Distinguishing Characteristics: You'll know furries and plushies because they'll either be wearing a crotchless panda suit or just a screaming teddy bear firmly against their crotch, respectively.
1. Live Action Role Playing
Public Humiliation: 100%
Live action role playing, or LARP, is a nerd's parent's worst fears come true: Dungeons and Dragons has finally made their child go crazy. These people dress up like fantasy characters and go on adventures where other nerds play the parts of enemy monsters, which would be fine if the participants were in the second grade. When adults do it, it's like a renaissance faire and backyard wrestling met, had demonic babies, and gave them weapons.
Damage to Sex Life: 100%
If you and your team of paladins are thinking about leaving your mom's basement to move your fantasy quests into society, you might as well leave your genitals behind.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Aside from the barbarian clothes and giant monster heads, it's impossible to know who might be LARPing. The only way to be sure is when they throw make-believe fireballs at you from their very fingertips, but by then... it's already too late. |
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| from a co-worker: Man Dismissal Form |
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| Wednesday, June 1st, 2005 @ 3:09pm |
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mood: amused
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Dear _______________,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition
was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as
yourself also failed to make the final cut.
I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors,
please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified
from the competition:
(Check those that apply)
1. ___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it,
hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
2. ___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can
picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
3. ___The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY
wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
4. ___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the
truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something
other than my personality.
5. ___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions
about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
6. ___Your constant emailing, shows me you have TOO much time on
your hands!
7. ___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants,
then you can't GET into my pants.
8. ___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be
beaten up repeatedly at recess.
9. ___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from
trying to kiss you.
10. ___You have a hairy back.
11. ___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
12. ___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an
inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
13. ___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in
conversation.
14. ___You still live with your parents.
15. ___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star
Trek uniforms a little concerning.
16. ___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to
suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
17. ___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am
seeking in a long term partner.
18. ___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should,
however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please
resubmit your application.
19. ___Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight
bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
20. ___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely,
_______________________ |
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| Tuesday, May 31st, 2005 @ 2:59pm |
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Scooter!
You scored 66 Mood and 57 Energy! |
| You are cheery, energetic and achievement oriented. You are a hard worker and you are proud of your accomplishments. |
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My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 66% on Mood |
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You scored higher than 29% on Energy |
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| Star Wars |
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| Wednesday, May 25th, 2005 @ 11:12am |
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I haven't seen it yet. Does that make me the anti-dork? |
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| Sunny and 70 |
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| Wednesday, April 6th, 2005 @ 3:35pm |
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mood:  chipper
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I don't think I need to say anything else! |
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| Harry Potter Yay! |
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| Wednesday, March 30th, 2005 @ 2:18pm |
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mood: ecstatic
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Yay! 108 Days until Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince comes out. I'm getting more and more excited! |
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| Prettier Journal |
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| Thursday, March 24th, 2005 @ 4:30pm |
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mood:  tired
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Does everyone like how I made my live journal look prettier?! |
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| Update |
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| Wednesday, March 23rd, 2005 @ 3:43pm |
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mood:  apathetic music: people talking about funds transfer
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Well, I think I'm going to be here for a while. We have a release tonight. Fun! Not really. I have a little break again right now while I wait.
So it is going to snow tonight! It is spring. It isn't supposed to snow anymore. I want warm weather again. Yesterday I came back from my lunch break with my sunroof open and tomorrow I'm going to have to clear snow off my car. Crazy.
Lastly. My Dad did more magic to my car this past weekend so it is about 10 times quieter and supposedly I'm not polluting the environment anymore. This hopefully means I'll pass emissions when I go in April. |
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| My ride home with the state trooper |
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| Monday, March 7th, 2005 @ 9:14am |
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mood:  aggravated
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Saturday night I got to go home in a state trooper car. It was actually my first time in a police car and I did ride in the front seat.
What happened was my car broke down coming back from Shannon's show in Wallingford. All the warning lights started blinking and the battery started discharging. I parked the car in a commuter lot off of I-84 in Cheshire and called Cingular Roadside Assistance thinking they would actually be helpful. It turned out that there were no service providers in my area but I could get someone outside their network and they would reimburse me. The problem with that is I needed about $100 in cash to get me and my car towed home I don't carry that much money with me. It was dark and I was alone so I was afraid to get out of the car so I never did lift up the hood to try and figure out what was wrong. I did notice a lot of smoke or steam coming off the engine. Anyways, a very nice Cheshire police officer came to help me out. He started calling tow companies to see if he could find one that would take a credit card since I had no cash. No luck. He ended up getting in touch with a state trooper that was going in my direction and got me a ride with him to the state police barracks in Southbury. From there I eventually got a ride home from another state trooper.
What I learned from this. Cancel Cingular Roadside Assistance. Get AAA (triple A). I'm working on talking my parents into the Family Plan. Have a blanket and a flashlight in the car. Sitting in the car in the dark for an hour is very cold.
My Dad and I went back to look at the car yesterday. It turned out the water pump had burst or exploded. He had never seen anything like it so he is bringing it to work today for show and tell (silly engineers). My Dad, Mr. Fix It, had brought a spare water pump and alternator and all sorts of other parts he had at home. So two hours later my car had a new (actually old but functional) water pump on it and I was able to drive it home. |
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| This morning |
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| Friday, March 4th, 2005 @ 2:02pm |
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mood:  ditzy
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I forgot how to get to work. Now I live 4 minutes from work so this was me just being really really stupid. I somehow made a left turn onto the road I work on instead of a right turn. I'm not sure where I thought I was going, maybe I-84 East or Blockbuster, but defnitely not work! |
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| Monday, February 28th, 2005 @ 11:55am |
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You are 'Gregg shorthand'. Originally designed to
enable people to write faster, it is also very
useful for writing things which one does not
want other people to read, inasmuch as almost
no one knows shorthand any more.
You know how important it is to do things
efficiently and on time. You also value your
privacy, and (unlike some people) you do not
pretend to be friends with just everyone; that
would be ridiculous. When you do make friends,
you take them seriously, and faithfully keep
what they confide in you to yourself.
Unfortunately, the work which you do (which is
very important, of course) sometimes keeps you
away from social activities, and you are often
lonely. Your problem is that Gregg shorthand
has been obsolete for a long time.
What obsolete skill are you?
brought to you by Quizilla |
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| Coffee |
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| Monday, February 28th, 2005 @ 11:50am |
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mood: sleepy
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I have to get to work earlier tomorrow so I can make the coffee. I don't think there were enough scoops in it. Weak coffee...ick. |
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| Friday, February 25th, 2005 @ 9:32am |
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mood: tired
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| A Nice Surprise |
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| Friday, February 18th, 2005 @ 11:11am |
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mood: surprised
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I came into work this morning and was surprised to find out I don't have to work Monday. We do celebrate President's Day. Woohoo!
Too bad I wasn't smart enough to already know this and plan to go somewhere cool for the weekend. |
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| My Bad Luck in the Kitchen |
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| Thursday, February 17th, 2005 @ 9:41am |
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Since bad things happen in threes I had to wait until the third thing happened before I posted this and it did...
1st. I went home for lunch yesterday and decided to make myself chicken nuggets. Yum. Yum. Instead of putting the ketchup on the chicken nuggets I squirted it all over my white shirt and somehow managed to get my socks!
2nd. While in the bathroom putting stain stick on my shirt I had a piece of toast in the toaster (the same thing I used to cook my chicken nuggets) and I started to smell smoke. Yep, my toast was smoking, but it hadn't caught fire yet (I'm looking on the bright side).
Btw, I decided to eat a lunch of chicken nuggets and pretzels yesterday and I put the ketchup on the nuggets before I found a new shirt.
3rd. Everyone in my family was home for dinner so I decide to put the glasses on the table and find out what everyone wants to drink. Oops. I know a glass from a high shelf in the cabinet to the floor. Yes, it broke. It did bounce though.
I'm thinking today will be a little less exciting! |
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| If a foreigner is going to spam me, they should really learn our language |
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| Wednesday, February 9th, 2005 @ 4:15pm |
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Drae Yaooh! Membre,
Tsih eiaml was snet by the Yahoo! serevr to veyfir yuor bank cadr infornoitam. Yuor bnak ask Yah!oo t odo so
becsuae soem of theri mebmers no lonreg hvae assecc to email addresses on Yaooh! and thye need to veirfy you.
You mtsu complete tihs prcoess by clikcing on the likn bolew:
*link that i wasn't able to cut and paste*
and eniretng yruo bkna AtibeD-MT Cdra numbre and PNI taht you use on AMT. |
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debbles12's journal
relieved
